The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
