did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
