i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
