During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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