he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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