that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
