And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
