She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
