So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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