just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
