He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
