and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
