Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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