you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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