My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
