Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
