I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
