A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
