i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
