When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
