I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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