Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
