News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
