I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
