i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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