Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
