She announced her abortion via fbk
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize