and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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