There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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