MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
