yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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