I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
