hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
