When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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