my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Randomize
