I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
