After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I need a beard to bite.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
