I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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