The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The air was thick with penises
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
