I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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