When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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