I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
