Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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