sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize