4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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