Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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