Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
