If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
