i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We just shotgunned beers for America
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
