HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
