that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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