im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
