I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
