I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
