I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
