im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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