Pappa wants mamma naked
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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