I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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