Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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