why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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