the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
